Momma Instincts
Recently I thought I was going crazy. Like *actually* crazy. I could hear faint music. SO faint. My husband couldn’t hear it at all. I asked him to check the iPad across the room but he said it wasn’t on. For a minute it went away. My brain was flipping through scenarios from bad TV shows…baby monitor picking up stalker bad guy in another house? But we don’t have a baby monitor anymore!! Maybe my fillings were picking up some frequency? Is that even possible?
I could hear it plain as day…but it was so faint. I was really thinking, “so this is it – this is insanity…auditory hallucinations – what’s that? Schizophrenia? I asked my husband to check around the house. I noted that my heart was beating too fast and I was feeling super stressed at the thought of hearing something that wasn’t there. My husband was looking at me with a freaked out expression. Then I looked at the iPad he had rejected as the source and saw headphones were plugged in. I put them to my ears and heard the music. We both started laughing. My husband questioned his hearing…I said maybe mine is just exceptional!
But what does this have to do with pregnancy, birth and parenting, you are probably asking. Well, I want to suggest that when you “hear” something – or have a feeling deep inside – even if everything points to you being nuts or overreacting – listen to it anyway. Trust it. Now I’m not talking about late night self-diagnosis from some WedMD search…we’ve all been there and that’s the time to step away from the computer and go back to sleep. But ask any momma and she will tell you at least one “mom moment” when there was no way she could know what she did but her gut feeling turned out to be right.
One from my own past took place at the town swimming pool. My husband was with my middle child at the “big pool” and I was with my youngest at the baby pool. It was a beautiful afternoon and my friend and I were enjoying watching our toddlers splash, our backs to the big pool. It’s a big complex and the pools are not near each other. I heard the blasts of whistles to get the attention of the lifeguards that meant either a drill or that help was needed. A chill went up my spine – a literal chill on a hot summer day – and I shouted to my friend to watch my little one and I took off running. I just knew the person hurt was my other son even though I was far away and couldn’t see. I knew right where to go. I ran the distance of the olympic pool and around to the diving well, getting there as soon as my husband did even though he was very close by. A kid had changed their mind about the high dive and started back down the ladder my son was on. Luckily my son’s foot got caught in a rung well above the concrete so his head never hit. All he had was a bad bruise and sprain.
I believe that when we are connected and pay attention, we feel things in our hearts, minds and bodies. I think we all have this capacity. Our job, if we wish, is to figure out how to tune in and trust ourselves, even if doing so feels a bit silly. This serves me well as a doula, as a mom and as a plain old human being.
Sharpen those spider senses and they will serve you well.
~ Kim
The day that every parent knows is coming came: my firstborn left for college. Mostly it seemed so far away, though some days it felt like it couldn’t come soon enough during those deep in the teen rebellion moments. But seriously – wasn’t he just wearing his Batman costume constantly and making me necklaces from dried pasta?
Now my first baby, at seventeen, is living four hours away. I don’t know what he ate for breakfast or if he ate at all. I’m thrilled for him. Really. But I’m sad for me. I know I’m not supposed to say that, that somehow it’s unbecoming and whiny or stalkerish or something. I am no helicopter parent, after all. I keep telling myself that it’s testament to what a good job we did that he’s so independent. But it hurts, dammit! I find myself jealous of the other parents posting about their Skype and FaceTime sessions with their college freshman (usually parents of girls, I note, though I’m sure that’s not really the case). We are not hearing much. Crickets most of the time. Last night he called asking for access to the new credit card number (side note: credit card fraud is a big, freaking hassle!) for Chinese food; it was not given and instead he was treated to a tasty helping of talk about allowance, living within one’s means, bla bla bla. And there was one glorious moment last week when he had an earache (he’s prone to swimmer’s ear) and called for advice. Yes…you, read correctly – I just basked in the glory of my son’s minor illness. That’s where I am at the moment, just being honest y’all. My other kids have suggested that my having put his graduation picture in the family room (instead of with all the other family pictures in the hall) is freaky and looks like I’ve made a shrine to a dead person…but I like seeing his face, so sue me.