Pregnancy

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Why You Don’t Want a Doula

birth-doula-square-small1. “I have my partner to support me.”  We totally understand this, and support it 100%. Your partner is there because they know and love YOU, above all others. We want that for you! We’re there because we know and love childbirth and postpartum. And think you could use that kind of support, too. We see it at every birth – beloved partners stepping in to their deserved role of new daddy/momma, while providing the most amazing and loving support. They know you well. But they don’t know birth quite as well. That’s where we fit in. The role of a doula is not to displace your partner. The role of the doula is to add support to the already loving dynamic you two share, to hold you both up while the three of us do what comes naturally. Doulas are there to ease the burden and expectation that your partner has to be all things – labor support, OB, midwife, lactation consultant, newborn expert, pain coping strategist. Your partner will support you as only some one who’s known you so long can. We want that to happen, and will make it happen seamlessly, where each of us provides the exact support the birthing or new momma needs.

2. “I’m not sure I want a stranger there.” We get it. We start out strangers. Why on earth would you want to invite someone you don’t even know into probably the single most intimate moment of your life? Here’s how we see it. We won’t be strangers for long. When you’re at your most vulnerable, when you’re feeling unsure or needing the tender touch or wisdom of encouragement – it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known that person, but more that they’re the right person for you. It’s chemistry! We’ve all fallen in love instantly with say a cab driver or that guy at the coffee shop, or the new neighbor down the hall. You know right away if you can stand this person, right? You’ve met enough people in life to have cultivated a pretty good filter for knowing if the fit is right.

This is why we are a collective of doulas. We highly recommend you meet and interview several doulas, because sometimes you just know it’s right with the first person you talk to, and that’s great. But not always, so it’s smart to talk to two or three people and see who’s style you click with. One thing is for sure – doulas are united in wanting you to have the best birth and postpartum experience you can have. So meet a few of us! We’re cool with that. We expect it. You need to find the person you know, from that very first phone call, is the right doula for you. That’s the magic of chemistry. Then, if there’s time and you hire early – we have weeks, even months to be in touch regularly to get to know each other further. The relationship evolves, and voila, we are no longer strangers. How can a doula- (4)

3. “It’s too expensive.”  We don’t agree with this. Christian Louboutin’s? They’re maybe too expensive. And all you’re really getting are pretty feet. A doula is an investment that has short and long-term value. The benefits to mother, partner and baby go beyond any trend or fad. Only you know your budget though, your comfort zone on spending money. We don’t want our work to add to your stress over the cost of having a baby. The good news is that more and more doula agencies and collectives are popping up. And they offer everything from tiered pricing to “new doula” mentorship, which allows their training to offset the cost of the fee you would pay. This means we pretty much guarantee we can help you find a doula who fits your “having a baby” budget.

Let’s be realistic. Having a baby is expensive. And while for most, insurance pays for the birth and medical bills, you have to figure out your priorities postpartum. With ample data and research on how doulas create better outcomes for mothers and babies, how we all don’t look at having one as a worth while investment is beyond us. If we know that better outcomes mean better mother/baby bonding … which leads to greater success in breastfeeding … which means all kinds of cost savings, from formula to long-term health benefits, well, you see where we’re going. Talk to doulas, get their pricing and start saving early. Ask about payment plans and gift certificates. If you’re adding those big-ticket items to your baby registry, like a crib, or a stroller, add a doula too. Get your girlfriends and family to go in on it as a joint gift idea. Bottom line, if you’re sold on the idea of having a doula at your side, either at the birth or postpartum, then don’t let the cost hold you back!

4. “I don’t even know what a doula does.” Let us tell you then! We’d love to sit and have a cup of coffee with you to discuss all we do at MommaArts. Just give us a shout. In the mean time, there are hundreds of excellent articles, blogs and reviews about what a doula does. Here’s a recent one we liked and shared on our FB page. If you’ve opened this blog up though, and started to read, that probably means you already know you’re interested in doula care, and might just be on the fence about it. We’d still love to talk to you, to clear up any questions you may have or myths that are out there about what we do. Most important to us is that you know that we support all births choices. We’re not one kind of doula. We’re every doula, and want to bring our love of the work to you.

 

Deirdre & Kim

 

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Breastfeeding, Alcohol and Peppermint

A merry, festive, happy, joyous12314611_552904074875488_5425735290987625725_o season to you all. It’s that time of year where breastfeeding moms worry about two things: alcohol and peppermint! As lactation experts and IBCLCs, we at MommaArts thought we’d dispel a little myth and mystery so that your season may be brighter.

Too often we’ve heard tales of “pump and dump” or of a nosy frenemy wagging their finger in judgement that we’re wrong to indulge with the occasional glass of wine or drink. The nay-sayers are simply wrong. Science and research rejects the notion of “pump and dump”. No longer do you have to toss perfectly good breastmilk because you had a glass of champagne or two. No matter when you drink – a glass of wine several times a week, or more seasonally when the holiday champagne toasts come – rest easy that following some simple, logical guidelines will help you enjoy your holiday, and keep nursing that baby.

The General Rule of Alcohol: if you’re sober enough to drive, you can breastfeed. If you’d drive home from a party, you can breastfeed. Less than 2% of the alcohol consumed reaches your blood and milk. It peaks in your blood and milk stream approximately 1/2-1 hour after drinking (with obvious variations from woman to woman). So if you time your feeding and your celebrations well, you can raise that glass of good cheer and be home in time to put your little one down for their last night-time nursing.

On to peppermint. Peppermint bark, mint hot cocoa, chocolate mints on every coffee table. We’ve all heard stories of peppermint drying up milk. In large amounts, the fresh herb and strong mints (like altoids) have been used and associated with weaning. That is true. Google any list on “how to wean” and mint will be mentioned. For the most part mint is recommended for weaning by using in large, frequent quantities – like a box of altoids a day, several cups of natural herbal mint tea regularly through out the day, etc. Frequency and potency matter! Putting a small amount of peppermint in hot chocolate, or a dark chocolate candy will hardly be enough to create much of a change in supply. To be on the safe side, if you’re a new mom, with baby still only a few weeks old and are working on building a strong supply, you might want to stay away from a lot of strong peppermint. But for a mom whose baby is a few months old, and who has a strong and regular supply – having a bit of peppermint bark or a peppermint stick in your martini won’t hurt you.

Bottom line: let’s pay attention to our bodies! Enjoy yourself by paying attention to how you feel and how milk flows during the holidays. Indulge in the yummy treats out there, but keep a sensible eye to how your body reacts. Don’t stress it – just use common sense. There is so much to overwhelm and stress about during the holiday season – schedules change, routines get messed up, family boundaries, travel, food changes – all the regular routines of motherhood take a hit! So taking time to enjoy a little treat, while sitting in the glow of a holiday candle, Christmas tree or New Years fire-place – well, damn it, you’ve earned that moment, momma!

Enjoy the season this year with common sense and good cheer!

And remember, any breastfeeding questions about what you can and can not eat or drink, give us a shout. We’re so happy to bust through the “booby-traps” and myths that set women in the wrong direction when it comes to enjoying and sustaining a good breastfeeding relationship.

Merry, Merry
Deirdre & Kim

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Momma Instincts

Blackbird (1)Recently I thought I was going crazy. Like *actually* crazy. I could hear faint music. SO faint. My husband couldn’t hear it at all. I asked him to check the iPad across the room but he said it wasn’t on. For a minute it went away. My brain was flipping through scenarios from bad TV shows…baby monitor picking up stalker bad guy in another house? But we don’t have a baby monitor anymore!! Maybe my fillings were picking up some frequency? Is that even possible?

I could hear it plain as day…but it was so faint. I was really thinking, “so this is it – this is insanity…auditory hallucinations – what’s that? Schizophrenia? I asked my husband to check around the house. I noted that my heart was beating too fast and I was feeling super stressed at the thought of hearing something that wasn’t there. My husband was looking at me with a freaked out expression. Then I looked at the iPad he had rejected as the source and saw headphones were plugged in. I put them to my ears and heard the music. We both started laughing. My husband questioned his hearing…I said maybe mine is just exceptional!

But what does this have to do with pregnancy, birth and parenting, you are probably asking. Well, I want to suggest that when you “hear” something – or have a feeling deep inside – even if everything points to you being nuts or overreacting – listen to it anyway. Trust it. Now I’m not talking about late night self-diagnosis from some WedMD search…we’ve all been there and that’s the time to step away from the computer and go back to sleep. But ask any momma and she will tell you at least one “mom moment” when there was no way she could know what she did but her gut feeling turned out to be right.

Screen Shot 2015-12-02 at 4.56.49 PMOne from my own past took place at the town swimming pool. My husband was with my middle child at the “big pool” and I was with my youngest at the baby pool. It was a beautiful afternoon and my friend and I were enjoying watching our toddlers splash, our backs to the big pool. It’s a big complex and the pools are not near each other. I heard the blasts of whistles to get the attention of the lifeguards that meant either a drill or that help was needed. A chill went up my spine – a literal chill on a hot summer day – and I shouted to my friend to watch my little one and I took off running. I just knew the person hurt was my other son even though I was far away and couldn’t see. I knew right where to go. I ran the distance of the olympic pool and around to the diving well, getting there as soon as my husband did even though he was very close by. A kid had changed their mind about the high dive and started back down the ladder my son was on. Luckily my son’s foot got caught in a rung well above the concrete so his head never hit. All he had was a bad bruise and sprain.

I believe that when we are connected and pay attention, we feel things in our hearts, minds and bodies. I think we all have this capacity. Our job, if we wish, is to figure out how to tune in and trust ourselves, even if doing so feels a bit silly. This serves me well as a doula, as a mom and as a plain old human being.

Sharpen those spider senses and they will serve you well.

~ Kim

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Postpartum Soup for the Win!

Untitled design (3)We do a lot of postpartum nurturing. Directly as postpartum doulas, or as part of a postpartum check-in with our labor support clients, and of course, as lactation consultants visiting new moms in their homes. We see new mommas all the time. We see how they adjust in those first few weeks, what their rhythm is, when, how and if they “self care”. You know what one thing seems to be universally met with sheer joy, relief and absolute gratitude? SOUP!  It does a body good.

At MommaArts we’ve been exploring with making soups and smoothies for our postpartum clients for a while now. Smoothies in the warm months, soups in the cold ones. We even carry an immersion blender with us in our postpartm bag if we know the client doesn’t have a (good enough) blender. (DOULA NOTE: this is a great thing to add into your prenatal intake. Ask about soups, smoothies, food aversions, allergies and of course – scope out their blender situation!).

This recipe is a hit, and oooh so simple. Here are our rules of doula cooking … there are none! Be flexible and have fun. Remember, it’s all about nourishing a new momma, not the perfect recipe. So if you’re missing an ingredient, it’s all good. New Momma will still love a warm soup on a cold winter day, so don’t stress the details here.

Cauliflower Leek Soup

What you’ll need:

Cauliflower: 2 – 3 heads fresh (rough chopped, leaves/main stem removed) -or- 2-3 16oz bags frozen

Frozen Leeks (we’ve always found them available at Trader Joes). Leeks can be a pain in the ass to clean – so if you can’t find a frozen bag, and don’t feel like cleaning fresh – skip and use twice the onion, a clove or two of garlic, and maybe some scallion for garnish.

One white or yellow onion

butter or olive oil

broth (any kind) or simply water (remember, be flexible)

your clients preferred dairy (cow milk, almond, soy, coconut)

Salt & pepper, seasoning to taste

We made this soup for a momma who had elminated both dairy and gluten fromher diet. So we used soy and for snack we added her own rice cakes which she loved. <3
We made this soup for a momma who had elminated both dairy and gluten from her diet. So we used soy, and for snack we added her own rice cakes, which she loved.

To Make:

Slice onions, however you like, into smaller bits

Toss in soup pot with butter or olive oil

Saute ’til they “sweat” and the house starts to smell ah-maaaazing!

Add half a bag frozen TD leeks (save rest for next time)

Let ’em sweat together

When they’re really wilted, add a little broth or water to almost cover them

Add cauliflower and COVER the pot so it steams and softens cauliflower. (DOULA NOTE: while you wait for it to steam – it’s a perfect time to do the dishes, empty/change dishwasher, tidy where you can in the kitchen.)

Once the cauliflower is soft and mushy, transfer to good blender or use immersion blender. You’re making a milk shake now is the way we see it – so as you blend ADD dairy to help make it more creamy. ASK your client how they prefer it – thicker, creamier, etc. Continue to add milk until desired taste, texture.

Pour back into soup pot from blender and heat some more (since milk may have cooled it down).

Serve with cut veggies, grilled cheese, toast points, whatever you or your clients wants!

YUM and happy postpartum eating!

Deirdre & Kim

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Transition, Take Two

 

FullSizeRender 18The day that every parent knows is coming came: my firstborn left for college. Mostly it seemed so far away, though some days it felt like it couldn’t come soon enough during those deep in the teen rebellion moments. But seriously – wasn’t he just wearing his Batman costume constantly and making me necklaces from dried pasta?

FullSizeRender 19Now my first baby, at seventeen, is living four hours away. I don’t know what he ate for breakfast or if he ate at all. I’m thrilled for him. Really. But I’m sad for me. I know I’m not supposed to say that, that somehow it’s unbecoming and whiny or stalkerish or something. I am no helicopter parent, after all. I keep telling myself that it’s testament to what a good job we did that he’s so independent. But it hurts, dammit! I find myself jealous of the other parents posting about their Skype and FaceTime sessions with their college freshman (usually parents of girls, I note, though I’m sure that’s not really the case). We are not hearing much. Crickets most of the time. Last night he called asking for access to the new credit card number (side note: credit card fraud is a big, freaking hassle!) for Chinese food; it was not given and instead he was treated to a tasty helping of talk about allowance, living within one’s means, bla bla bla. And there was one glorious moment last week when he had an earache (he’s prone to swimmer’s ear) and called for advice. Yes…you, read correctly – I just basked in the glory of my son’s minor illness. That’s where I am at the moment, just being honest y’all. My other kids have suggested that my having put his graduation picture in the family room (instead of with all the other family pictures in the hall) is freaky and looks like I’ve made a shrine to a dead person…but I like seeing his face, so sue me.

FullSizeRender 25When you’re trying to conceive (that’s ttc in interwebs parlance!), you think if you can just see the line on the test you will relax. Then when you’re pregnant you just want to get to 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan, then…and on and on. We imagine that once our kids are born or toddlers or big kids we will be able to breath a sigh of relief. Well, sorry to break the bad news but in reality we just keep kicking that particular can down the road. I’m sure if I called my dad he would say he still worries for me. But now, like my dad, the subject of my worry – this person I GREW INSIDE ME for, um, “heaven’s” sake – is far away and I can’t just talk to him whenever I want. It’s the plan, the order of things if we are fortunate (and I count my lucky stars, really I do) but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. It’s like my love is unrequited at the moment and I’m stuck waiting by the phone for a boy to call. Only it’s not some dumb kid from science class. It’s my kid and he’s presently very caught up with his own life. And it’s not just him I miss but also all his friends – the boys I watched grow along side mine who made themselves at home here, raiding my pantry and drinking my orange juice. Man, I would so happily buy limitless orange juice if it meant that my kitchen would be filled by all those boys right this minute. I’d say yes to ordering pizza or going for dim sum or another Chipotle run. (See a trend here? What they say about teen boys and their appetites is no joke and the way to their hearts really is through their stomachs – fact.)

When preparing for birth, most women are nervous about transition, that time right before you are about to start pushing your baby out into the world when you want out or to hit pause because it feel like you might die. In that moment it’s like your brain finally gets it that what was before, life as you’ve know it, is coming to an end and something new and unknown is coming to take its place. I think I was in a sort of transition from the time my son started his senior year of high school. Lots of poignant moments where tears came easily for me (and most who know me would say I’m a pretty tough cookie…yuck – hate that expression but whatever). Lots of “I don’t know if I can do this without dying just a little bit” moments. Like the time we were talking about some home renovation I’d love to do and he said, “I wish we had done that when I still lived here.” Say what?! But this will always be your home! Except in his mind it was already kind of wasn’t, not really. Ouch…a big fat reality pie in the face.

I had convinced myself that since he was out with friends so much anyway it wouldn’t feel that different…oh the lies we tell ourselves to get through the day! So following the advice I would give clients who are nearing birth, just before it was time to take him to school I instituted a self-imposed news fast, keeping out each and every gut punching essay about the parental rubicon of the moment I was about to cross…sorry Rob Lowe, I read your achingly poignant piece from HuffPo or wherever last year and I’m not making that mistake again. No sir. One foot in front of the other: that’s how I approached what felt like the second birthing of my boy as we packed the car and then unpacked on the other end for move-in day. And I WAS FINE! I congratulated myself on how fine I was. We went and got a drink and toasted to what awesome parents we were for not having left a trail of tears out of the dorm. And then we came home and I put on my pajamas and stayed in them for three days. So in case you’re wondering, baby blues can hit at about seventeen and three quarters years after actual birth, apparently. Mine took the form of Netflix binging and smeared mascara. I limited myself to just one pint of ice cream, which seemed like an achievement.

It’s been about three weeks now and I am pretty OK. The panicky feeling I was experiencing several times a day that I had forgotten something has stopped happening. I’m learning to cook for less people. My husband and I joke that having our son at college is like being in a cop show where they try to keep the kidnapper on the phone line in order to trace the call…anything for a little bit more time. I know he will come home to visit and for a little while it will be like old times with the mess and the empty orange juice container…and I can’t wait. Like when he was tiny, I might just peek in his room and watch him sleep*, assured that he is safe and all is right with the world.

 

*But don’t worry – I won’t be like that creepy mom in the kid’s book Love You Forever…even when my kids were babies I knew that was so not OK and I will not be breaking into his dorm window with the help of a ladder! Plus, he’s on the 12th floor, so…

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Soothing Postpartum Pads

photo (36)We know how to take care of you postpartum, including perineums. We’ve been doing this for years now. If there’s something you need – we’re going to jump right on it and make it happen, even if you haven’t quite figured out what it is you need exactly.

One of those items we love, and make sure that you have, are postpartum pads, sometimes called “padcicles”. They bring comfort and soothing in those first days home with baby. We’ll either recommend making them prior to baby’s arrival, or we’ll bring the ingredients to you on our first visit and make them for you once we arrive.

Soothing Postpartum PadsBabies come out. But sometimes your perineum can take a bit of a beating, or you may be struggling with hemorrhoids. No one wants to have achy-ness and tenderness in those first days home with baby, but many of us do. Isn’t it nice to have some soothing relief when you need it? And we promise, with these, you’ll be smiling and saying “ahhhh” the minute you put them on.

For info on these, and more of our great postpartum offerings, connect with us! We’d love to chat and make sure you have what you and baby need to get off to a great start.

Deirdre & Kim

 

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Beat The Heat & Breastfeeding

On more than one occasion I remember sitting down to nurse my babies during a heat wave and found the calm moment to just be still a very welcome one indeed, especially if I remembered to have a cool drink near by and was lucky enough to find breezy shade or even better, air-conditioning.

Summertime BreastfeedingThe worst feeling, when you’re already tired from motherhood, is to feel slippery and slimy and dripping with sweat as you go to nurse your baby. These common sense ideas will probably make you go, “oh, of course” but believe me – as a new mother, I needed someone to tell me exactly how to brush my teeth, my brain was in such a perpetual fog.

The problem with very hot days is that we tend to want to stay in our on air-conditioned space. But that can be isolating to a new mom. We encourage you to get out in the beauty of the day and enjoy the sunshine at least for a little bit if you can. Getting out into the world is a huge part of healing and growing strong after childbirth. And as long as you are prepared for the heat, you can sail through the hot months without issue.

One: Despite what relatives and well meaning friends may suggest, water is not necessary for a breastfed baby, especially in the first 6 months. Breastmilk is over 80% water. Offering water will fill a baby tummy with empty calories at a time where every calorie is critical. That small bottle/cup of water may actually backfire, as baby may show less signs in being interested in breastfeeding come the next feeding due to a false sense of “full” from the water.

The best way to nurse a summer baby is to continue with on demand feedings. If it is a true heat wave, you can always offer more, and your breasts will adjust to the supply and demand economics. That’s the magic of breastmilk and feeding on demand – it adjusts to your baby’s needs!

COOL TIP: if you’re both very sweaty when sitting down to nurse, and skin to skin seems like it’s going to be a hot mess, grab a gauze (aden + anais stle) blanket. Putting a light natural fiber blanket between you and baby will absorb sweat, and keep you from sticking to one another. For sweaty heads resting on your arm – the same, use a light washcloth or folded blanket to absorb the sweat and keep baby from slip-sliding during your hold.

Two: Some, but not all, babies do become irritable in the heat. This does not mean your milk supply isn’t meeting their needs. Like any older child or adult, they are just looking for a way to chill out … so read your baby’s cues and take measures to help them through the heat. Dress them in light colors & natural fibers, keep them in the shade and air conditioning, dress in layers and have a light blanket handy for when you do enter a cool air-conditioned place. Use a damp, cool washcloth to gently wipe & soothe away the sweat when necessary. And be mindful of chubby neck, leg and arm rolls that may get rashy due to extra sweat.

Three: Know your neighborhood! What air-conditioned coffee shops, stores, libraries, restaurants, new mommy classes welcome a mom to take a break from the heat? Are you comfortable nursing in public? If not, come to a mommy group meeting with us and we’ll get you ready for summer nursing in public. Also, remember the hours when the sun beats down the hottest – noon to 3pm. This is especially good if you’re looking to get out for exercise or with an older sibling. Stick to morning hours or late afternoon.

Four: What is your body telling you? Look to breastfeeding as not only be a time for your sweaty summer baby to nourish, but as a reminder to you to cool down too. Don’t over do it in the heat. Breastfeeding will burn on average about 200 – 500 calories a day. You’re busy enough trying to keep nourished, balanced and even chase a toddler or two … without throwing in the stresses of a heat wave! Take it easy in the summer heat.

COOL TIP: Always carry a small, pretty umbrella in your diaper bag that you can take out and use as a parasol if the sun is really driving down on you. And of course, it’ll come in hand if there’s a sudden summer rainstorm.

Five: Have available in abundance hydrating, water filled foods & drink in your kitchen. “Water foods” help with postpartum water retention and edema, so if you just had your baby, these are great for those still swollen feet and fingers …

photo (28)watermelon
cucumbers
celery
grapes (frozen grapes are a great, refreshing treat!)
fresh dandelion greens
corn on the cob (warm or cold)
peaches
blueberries
asparagus salad (cold)
cold soups – gazpacho, cucumber
herbal iced teas
water with chunks of melon, berries, lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit and cucumber cut up in it

Six: If you don’t know where to go and what to do with yourself on a hot day, find a good local breastfeeding group. La Leche League, Breastfeeding USA and MeetUp all likely have local groups monthly, if not weekly, near you. We at MommaArts have several great breastfeeding group options throughout the month. Keep an eye on our Facebook page for updates, times and details.

COOL TIP: Make frozen maxi pads and bandannas . If you’re newly postpartum, you’re probably not going out much. But a great cooling and soothing tip is to take maxi pads that bring relief where you want and need it more. Take some pads (remove from individual wrapping), put them in a gallon zip lock, pour witch hazel over them, add a soothing essential oil like lavender or even aloe vera, and toss in freezer. Instant soothing pads for your first days postpartum.  Or, if you’re ready to really go out for strolls and walks – do the same with a few colorful, fun bandannas, rolling them a bit like a classic neckerchief, wet with water and essential oils, toss them in the freezer and use when you need.

Soon enough, the cool breeze of summer’s end will be here and you’ll be looking for Halloween costumes for your little one … so hang in there, stay cool & healthy, and nurse your baby with love and frequency!


Deirdre & Kim

 

 

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United We Doula

On August 22nd, 2008 the doula world lost one of its beloved leaders, Ilana Stein. Ilana’s doula mission was to unite doulas and grow the concept of doula care. Her mantras of “every woman deserves a doula” and “we are stronger together than we are apart” could be heard at every monthly meeting of The Metropolitan Doula Group (a group she founded). Her infectious, determined laugh could be heard down the halls if someone brought up the idea of competition. She’d wave the idea away with a swift, “there are enough pregnant women to go around.”

United We DoulaShe was right then, and she is still right now. A recent nationwide survey by Listening to Mothers found that doula use is on the rise. Three percent of women used a doula in 2006. In 2013 the number had risen to six percent. While the increase is great news, it means there are still a whole heck of a lot of women out there who don’t use doulas, and most likely it is because they don’t really know about them.

Ilana sought to change all that. She welcomed doulas of any age, stage and training to MDG meetings. We can be different, but really, we are the same was how every meeting felt. We all want mothers and babies to be loved, nurtured and safe guarded through the transition of childbirth. And to do that we need each other as friends and colleagues. We need to support each other as we head out and inform the public.

I miss her deeply lately. Ilana was my friend and mentor. She was also my doula. She was by my side in 1999 for my VBAC. Just seconds after I pushed my son out with pure adrenaline fueled joy, she leans in and whispers to me, “now will you join me as a doula?” Seriously! I’d barely gotten my new infant up on my breast, and she’s asking me to doula with her.

I said yes of course.

Ilana wanted more doulas out there. But she also knew that you can’t send an army out unprepared. Which is why MDG was so popular. For so many of us those monthly meetings brought a much needed bond of togetherness. It gave us room to grow, learn, and process. We shared stories of the 48 hour primip births, births with doctors who didn’t like doulas, births with amazing doctors or midwives who welcomed our care, births in the sadness of loss, births that were intense, joyous, challenging. We shared it all, tears, triumphs, ideas, concerns.  We were mentors to each other.

The doula world has grown. MDG, the once small local community, has grown to the point where literally thousands of women have passed through it at some point in their doula career. Where there used to be just two or three doula training and certification bodies, there are now well over 40 reputable organizations nationally. Each of them offering training with wonderful intention and education potential. Each of them inspiring and motivating new doulas every month to head out into their communities to make birth and postpartum better.

Before she died Ilana wanted to write a book about mentorship called Sitting At Her Feet. She never got the opportunity. I had the honor to be handed a folder just before her death with some of her scribbles and ideas about this book. I’ve thought about it often through the years, about passing the baton of wisdom down to newer women, knowing that at its essence doula work is very simply women supporting women. Ilana recognized that it is one thing to train doulas over a weekend workshop. But it’s a whole other thing to take them under your wing and nurture them.

When Kim and I started MommaArts we knew mentorship would be part of our responsibility. Just last week Kim and I both got a text notification at 10:23pm. It was one of our mentees who was at a birth. She wrote, “I’m wondering if either of you is available to talk me through something? I know it’s kinda late and a weeknight and all but I could seriously use some guidance right now.” What do you think Kim and I did? Yup! Kim got on the phone with her, and walked her through her concerns and helped guide her towards confidence.

I could not have been more proud of what this moment was. This is what doula work is. Not just nurturing mothers and babies, but building a larger network of women who know and believe in the power of compassionate, normal, healthy birth, and are willing to work together to make that happen.

We’ve sat at the feet of many wise birth workers, Kim and I. From Ina May to Elizabeth Davis, to Marsden Wagner to Henci Goer, and of course all our local champions of normal birth who are our colleagues and friends. It’s been a privilege to work with them, and to pay it forward now. We’re excited to see our MommaArts mentorship program growing so that we can continue to create a strong and thriving culture of Sitting At Her Feet. Hopefully some day I will write that book Ilana had dreams about. Until then though my promise to her is to continue to mentor and create community. We hope you’ll join us.

United we doula,
Deirdre & Kim

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3 Simple Questions To Advocate For Your Birth

Childbirth is not a journey of straight line. It has curve balls and winding roads that may take you in a direction you never thought you’d head. You had plans and goals for one kind of birth, and then there you are, discussing with your caregiver a totally different scenario or option. Your intuition may tell you these suggestions and recommendations make sense, and you’re grateful for healthcare that provides options and choice to help move you along the winding road of labor.

Sometimes though, those curve balls and recommendations leave you unsure of how best to advocate for your birth process. A red flag or inner voice is telling you it doesn’t feel right, to ask more questions, seek more options, or just say no. Advocating for yourself during the throes of active labor is not easy. Loving partners often find it difficult to ask care givers to give them more time or to take a different action. Your contractions are coming every three minutes and the last thing you want to think about is a recommendation you weren’t ready for, and to be put in an adversarial position or confrontation.

Even the best of doulas have trouble being an advocate in a scenario where a doctor recommends something the parents feel strongly against. It is beyond a doula’s scope of practice to recommend medical procedures, so her role continues to be that of providing emotional and physical support, to nod, hold your hand, and help the family work through their choices and birth plan. What is certain in these moments though is that often managed care wins out over your one very unique birth process.

Image-1 (18)These three simple questions may help you.

They allow for direct and simple dialog that is non confrontational. Is mom alright? If the answer is “yes” – great, no urgency there. Is baby alright? Still yes? Excellent – no urgency there. Can we have more time? Again, if they say yes, the pressure is off and you have time to think and discuss privately.

Use this! Take the time to ask these questions. Doctors are just like you and me, we all get into a groove at work. But YOU are anything but routine. These simple questions provide an opportunity for everyone to pause and breath, and for the birthing couple – do so privately. Very likely what will be revealed is the true necessity of the recommendation: was it based upon a real emergency, opinion, routine, managed care, timing?

If you don’t take a childbirth class (and we really, really hope you do) at least bookmark and remember these questions! We happen to love our six-hour “Not Your Regular Old Childbirth Ed” class, a fast pace class for busy fast paced families. We take the time to go over advocacy and birth plans. Check us out, so that when your birth comes -you have a strong voice to navigate with when those curve balls come.

 

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I Want a Rewarding Birth Experience

From Wild Tales, Academy Award for Best Foreign Language, 2015
From Wild Tales, Academy Award for Best Foreign Language, 2015

Imagine it’s your wedding day. As you are getting your hair done, the flat iron burns the back of your neck. Your flower girl spills juice all over your dress. The limo arrives and has a flat tire …. it starts to thunder and rain …. the officiate is late …. the cake is dropped and ruined in transport …. a bird poops on your shoulder … the cello player never arrives … and all the while you go with the flow. You’re an amazing woman, and you’re committed to your journey. You nod your head, swallow down your frustration, and keep on moving towards your goal. Later that week, when it’s all over and you’re happily married, you become teary talking with your best friend about what a disaster the day was, and how you wish all that stuff hadn’t gone wrong.

And she just looks at you and says, “why are you complaining? At least you got a healthy partner!”

Crazy right?

Yet, in childbirth, this happens more often than you’d think. For many women childbirth can be emotionally and physically overwhelming. The birth may head in a dramatically different direction, away from any preparedness a woman thought she had. Perhaps the entire experience unfolded beyond any of her expectations. For the purpose of this blog the reasons why or how aren’t important. What is important is knowing that just about any one she talks to to complain and process her birth experience with will hush her swiftly and say, “why are you complaining? At least you got a healthy baby.”

Both culturally and personally we fail our new mothers by systematically dismissing them if they dare talk about their birth with regret, dissapointment, fear, unhappiness or hatred. At a time when you want to rage most, when you felt most betrayed by your body, your peers, your loved ones, society even – we tell women to “hush”. The damage is done, now just bear it, little woman, and tend to your baby.

How we respond to our birthing women sets the tone for how we all feel about motherhood. We are second class citizens on this journey. Do a good job in birthing and keeping your kids safe – well that’s all we care about. You, your personal feeling? Eh, not so much. A 2005 U.S. survey of women birthing their first babies revealed that women who had a cesarean were more likely to feel overwhelmed, helpless and frightened. And less likely to feel capable, confident, powerful, and unafraid while giving birth. Offer that survey to a woman with trauma surrounding vaginal birth and you’re sure to get similar responses.

Feeling like a failure about your birth stinks. Add to that people telling you not to worry about it, get over it, that it doesn’t matter – only a healthy baby matters, stinks even more. Let’s be really clear here. NO woman goes into birth wanting to sacrifice a healthy baby for an enjoyable birth experience. It’s insulting and condescending to think so. Every woman wants a healthy baby. But you know what else she wants, and it’s pretty darn important too on the spectrum of human experience? A transformative birth that she can feel powerful about. A birth where she felt the quaking enormity of her ability to move a tiny human through her body. A birth where the magic and colossal nature of creating life in your womb and then bringing it Earth is something that you ride high on for years. A rewarding birth experience.

And if “rewarding” doesn’t happen – well hell yeah, you’re still ultra badass, and let’s all shout out how it sucked together becuase we have your back, come cry with us because your birth does matter! You matter! We want to hear about it!

Recently, our own Kim Collins, co-founder of MommaArts, had the opportunity to bring locally the Exposing The Silence project. As stated on their website, “as many as 1/3 of American women say the birth of their child was traumatic. It’s time to take a hard look at what is happening to American women in childbirth.” It’s an amazing project and we were very proud to take part in it.

We agree with Exposing The Silence. It’s time to take a hard look at how we treat women postpartum. How we listen to her telling her birth story. How we embrace and welcome her tears if the story is a hard one. It’s time to stop making women feel even worse by dismissing their complaints as selfish or vain. Instead – let us all work harder to hold up our friends and loved ones for their most triumphant deed – bearing children and doing so with power and strength, no matter the birth outcome. Power and strength all women deserve to be praised for not belittled.

If you have suffered birth trauma we have two very experienced women in our MommaArts family who can be of help if you’d need support in processing your birth and first year of motherhood. Carley Aroldi holds a Masters in Maternal Health and is a licensed professional counselor in the State of New Jersey. Gail Cirlin-Lazerus is a licensed clinical social worker in the state of New York. We hope you’ll reach out to them through us if you are in need. Or if you just want to share your birth story with someone who’d like very much to listen to you – give us a call.

Deirdre McLary
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